ARCHIBALD
One day while he was waiting for the trolley, he had a hat

LARRY
my high silk hat

ARCHIBALD
He wore it high upon his head so proudly, a beautiful hat

LARRY
my high silk hat

ARCHIBALD
A hat like this just makes him feel so grandly, now fancy this, and fancy that
The splendor of his hat in all its majesty

LARRY
like a king, in a royal cap
I feel so swell and handsome in my hat, I bet that others wish they had in fact

LARRY & ARCHIBALD
A hat as this, a hat as that, a hat so fine, a high silk hat

LARRY
Oh Mr. Art Bigotti, now what do you think of that?.

ARCHIBALD
Now his hat was not all he wore so proudly, I must in fact, share more than that,
For upon my lap there sat a treat so fondly, of chocolate this

LARRY
and chocolate that

ARCHIBALD
Deliciousness that makes me feel so dandy, a chocolate bliss

LARRY
a chocolate snack

CHOIR
Confections such as these are more than candy, somewhat like life, a box of that

LARRY
I have my chocolate placed upon my lap, I feel so good you just cannot top that,

LARRY & ARCHIBALD
I have my snack, a chocolate pack, of chocolate this and chocolate that

LARRY
Oh golly Mr. Nezzer, now what do you think of that?

ARCHIBALD
Now time was passing and the sun grew hotter, upon his hat

CHOIR
and chocolate snack

ARCHIBALD
So beneath his hat he thought and pondered.

LARRY
what should I do, to save my hat?

ARCHIBALD
He thought, and contemplated as he perspired, beneath his hat

CHOIR
upon his lap

ARCHIBALD
He feared his chocolate treats would soon retire, into a pool

CHOIR
a chocolate vat

LARRY & CHOIR
I won’t feel grand if I take off my hat,
the suns getting hot and my hat just might go flat.
My hat, it might go flat, and my sweets will melt like that…

LARRY
Oh hurry Mr. Trolley before my dapperness goes flat

ARCHIBALD
He surrendered to forego his suavemente, to save his hat

JEAN CLAUDE
and little snack

ARCHIBALD
So he placed the treats upon the seat beside him

NEZZER
and placed his hat on top of that

LARRY
Oh please,

CHOIR
Oh please Oh please

LARRY
don’t anybody, sit close to me, upon my hat I ask, if all of you could be so kindly, and just stand back, away from my snack!

A great big squash just sat upon my hat, a great big squash just squished my hat real flat
He squashed my hat, he made it flat, he squished my snack, oh what of that
Oh tell me anybody now what do you think of that?

CROWD & CHOIR
A great big squash just sat upon his hat, a great big enormous squash squished his hat real flat He squashed his hat, he made it flat, he squished his snack, oh what of that

LARRY
Oh golly,
uh…what is your name?

SCALLION #1
I don’t know, they’ve never given me a name.
I have been around since show one and I still do not have a name.

LARRY
Now what do you think of that!

Words by Marc Vulcano